FIRST BLOG
I've wanted to start a blog for a long time and it looks like today is the day. I love writing. English was always my favorite subject in school and I love the idea of better recording my thoughts and experiences. Creating connection with other people is a huge core belief of mine and I feel that maybe publishing my thoughts can perhaps instigate that. I got married this year and though it’s been amazing in countless ways, it’s also been challenging in ways I hadn’t anticipated until I experienced them firsthand. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences to me, or maybe you haven’t been married before and this can be a new perspective; or maybe you don’t believe in marriage at all and will live happily on your own forever and ever. No matter- I’m sharing some thoughts on the subject for you to chew on! Enjoy! I’ve always been a social person and loved to host functions at my crib, but since being married I’ve felt social anxiety for honestly the first time ever. Or at least the first time it’s ever stuck around for more than one event at a time. I feel this sort of barrier now (which I believe is mostly made up in my head but maybe like 10% real) between me and getting out of the house. After coming home from our honeymoon, Matthew and I would spend our nights in just chatting the night away and talking about our dreams and watching movies and … Living the dream! Soaking up this magical time! So wonderful. After a few weeks (and now a few months), I had anticipated having our social lives just kind of bounce back to their prior state before our “putting a ring on it” so-to-speak, but it honestly hasn’t. I feel in most ways it’s my fault. There’s a sort of subconscious shame about meeting up with my homies now. I wouldn’t say I feel guilty about going out, but I do feel a sense of shame about how challenging it often feels now. Maybe even embarrassed. Being social has always be a natural thing for me, and now it just has a different taste to it. This guilt has kind of had this chokehold on me and I am ready to say “good riddance” and kick it to the curb. But how? I understand now a bit why married folks vanish from the outside world once they tie the knot. I love spending time with Matthew and settling into our world together. He’s everything wonderful. I feel secure in knowing he’ll always be there to talk to, spend time with, and share the same bed at night. There are obviously many things I adore about Matthew and I could go on, but that’s all for another blog post haha. I’m moreso talking about how I’ve been surprised at how hard it is to get out of the comfort of my own four walls now. It’s so easy to just come home from work and just spend all of my time with him. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing either. I married him to build a life together and I love doing that. Matthew is also such a workhorse and very great at pushing me to pursue my creative interests, but something inside of me gets in the way of making those creative projects and pursuits happen. Maybe my ADHD (which I definitely want to write about more; I’m curious to see if it impacts other people in similar ways) is to blame. Maybe I’m still adjusting to this new phase of life. Maybe I fear that all I have to talk about are Matthew-related things and people will think I’m boring. But don’t we all fear that? Fearing we don’t have the coolest thing to say? The most interesting life to brag about? Maybe I’m anxious about sharing about the truly simple and basic life that I’m living as a married woman. I think there’s something freeing and comforting about writing these anxieties into the vast unknown of the internet, especially when it helps me realize that much of my social anxiety comes from false narratives about how my changes might make me less interesting or less relatable to the people I hold dear. Or maybe things really are just different now, even, different for the better. I don’t really think it’s a bad thing for socializing to look a bit different now that I’m married. My motivation for socializing had always been sprinkled with the mystery of when I’d meet the one. And now that that’s happened, my motivation for socializing is moreso to meet my needs for girl talk and creativity and keeping up with my homies. My marriage isn’t a barrier, but a foundation! A catalyst! A tipping point! Everything is connected and can feed into a greater version of myself if I can only get over myself. LOL!1!! Starting this blog feels like a way to stay connected—to myself and to the people I care about—even if things look different these days. I just want to keep exploring how I’m growing and changing while still holding onto the parts of me that matter most. Maybe you feel that same way! Whoever you are, reading this! Or whoever you aren’t! Anyway, this is where I’ll leave you for now. Sending love to anyone reading this and everyone else too! I've wanted to start a blog for a long time and it looks like today is the day. I love writing. English was always my favorite subject in school and I love the idea of better recording my thoughts and experiences. Creating connection with other people is a huge core belief of mine and I feel that maybe publishing my thoughts can perhaps instigate that. I got married this year and though it’s been amazing in countless ways, it’s also been challenging in ways I hadn’t anticipated until I experienced them firsthand. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences to me, or maybe you haven’t been married before and this can be a new perspective; or maybe you don’t believe in marriage at all and will live happily on your own forever and ever. No matter— I’m sharing some thoughts on the subject for you to chew on! Enjoy! I’ve always been a social person and loved to host functions at my crib, but since being married I’ve felt social anxiety for honestly the first time ever. Or at least the first time it’s ever stuck around for more than one event at a time. I feel this sort of barrier now (which I believe is mostly made up in my head but maybe like 10% real) between me and getting out of the house. After coming home from our honeymoon, Matthew and I would spend our nights in just chatting the night away and talking about our dreams and watching movies and… Living the dream! Soaking up this magical time! So wonderful. After a few weeks (and now a few months), I had anticipated having our social lives just kind of bounce back to their prior state before our “putting a ring on it” so-to-speak, but it honestly hasn’t. I feel in most ways it’s my fault. There’s a sort of subconscious shame about meeting up with my homies now. I wouldn’t say I feel guilty about going out, but I do feel a sense of shame about how challenging it often feels now. Maybe even embarrassed. Being social has always been a natural thing for me, and now it just has a different taste to it. This guilt has kind of had this chokehold on me and I am ready to say “good riddance” and kick it to the curb. But how? I understand now a bit why married folks vanish from the outside world once they tie the knot. I love spending time with Matthew and settling into our world together. He’s everything wonderful. I feel secure in knowing he’ll always be there to talk to, spend time with, and share the same bed at night. There are obviously many things I adore about Matthew and I could go on, but that’s all for another blog post haha. I’m moreso talking about how I’ve been surprised at how hard it is to get out of the comfort of my own four walls now. It’s so easy to just come home from work and just spend all of my time with him. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing either. I married him to build a life together and I love doing that. Matthew is also such a workhorse and very great at pushing me to pursue my creative interests, but something inside of me gets in the way of making those creative projects and pursuits happen. Maybe my ADHD (which I definitely want to write about more; I’m curious to see if it impacts other people in similar ways) is to blame. Maybe I’m still adjusting to this new phase of life. Maybe I fear that all I have to talk about are Matthew-related things and people will think I’m boring. But don’t we all fear that? Fearing we don’t have the coolest thing to say? The most interesting life to brag about? Maybe I’m anxious about sharing about the truly simple and basic life that I’m living as a married woman. I think there’s something freeing and comforting about writing these anxieties into the vast unknown of the internet, especially when it helps me realize that much of my social anxiety comes from false narratives about how my changes might make me less interesting or less relatable to the people I hold dear. Or maybe things really are just different now, even, different for the better. I don’t really think it’s a bad thing for socializing to look a bit different now that I’m married. My motivation for socializing had always been sprinkled with the mystery of when I’d meet the one. And now that that’s happened, my motivation for socializing is moreso to meet my needs for girl talk and creativity and keeping up with my homies. My marriage isn’t a barrier, but a foundation! A catalyst! A tipping point! Everything is connected and can feed into a greater version of myself if I can only get over myself. LOL!1!! It’s just *that* simple, I guess! haha Starting this blog feels like a way to stay connected—to myself and to the people I care about—even if things look different these days. I just want to keep exploring how I’m growing and changing while still holding onto the parts of me that matter most. Maybe you feel that same way! Whoever you are, reading this! Or whoever you aren’t! Anyway, this is where I’ll leave you for now. Sending love to anyone reading this and everyone else too!